Santa must be on meds

I don’t know how the Big Guy does it.

All he wants is to spread peace, love, joy and presents throughout the world, one grocery store, hockey rink and freezing cold parade at a time.

And yet some kids hate him. The second poor old Santa puts out his arms to accept a youngster they start screaming and crying and kicking to get off, while glaring at their parents with this ‘what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-trying-to-take-my-picture-when-this-stranger is-holding-onto-me’ look in their eyes.

I saw that look on Saturday. And I still took four or five pictures, because sometimes your kid’s fear is funny (oops, I had better not trip on the microphone cord as I go on stage to accept my father of the year award).

The Boss and I took The Hurricane to see Santa at a local grocery store. We stood in line for 10 or 20 minutes watching kids that were over three be, at worst, cautious of the Big Ho Ho Hoer (and I don’t mean Mrs. Claus, despite the rumours) – it’s those in the one- to two-year-old range that don’t understand who Santa is and what he represents (didn’t he turn water into wine, or something?).

But still, they’re old enough to know something isn’t right.

Last year, when she was five months old, The Hurricane sat on Santa’s knee and gave the hugest smile for the camera, because she’s been a ham since Day 1. But this year she didn’t even get close to him before she was squirming out of his grasp. Luckily, The Boss had stayed in the vicinity and ended up sitting on Santa’s knee, while the little one sat on hers, just so we could get one shot – any shot – to say we are good parents.

But I wonder how Santa does it. This guy spends all summer growing this long, hot hair and beard – we have an ‘au naturale’ Santa in our town – just for these very events. Then, when he finally hits the big stage the little bastards won’t sit on his knee and are scared to death of the very sight of him.

Thanks for nuthin’.

But I guess when you’ve been delivering presents and listening to endless lists from endless lines of children for 2,008 years, you likely get used to the odd hostile kid.

But I wouldn’t doubt there’s something in his hot chocolate to make these ones go a little more smoothly.


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