Burning down the louse

My head is soooooo itchy.

Right now, I can feel something walking across my scalp, it’s disgusting little legs, feet, tentacles, whatever, leaving a trail of eggs in its wake.

It’s driving me mad. And not pissed off mad, but crazy, I’m-a-snooty-English-bloke mad.

And I think it might just be my imagination.

To recap – we found a few lice on The Hurricane on Friday night. After pulling the actual bugs out of her hair, we have found nothing since, except a few eggs or nits, or something else that keeps me awake at night, which Amy removed with a comb and her fingernails. Our washing machine hasn’t been fixed yet either, so we’re in a state of flux, not knowing if we’re all going to die before we can wash the buggers away or if we’ll just be itchy for a while, before we wash the buggers away.

So far, The Boss and I are unsure if we’re bug and/or egg and/or nit free. The problem is, she has about 18,000 pounds of hair, and mine is predominantly black (with some stylish and I’ll assume goddamned sexy white mixed in), so it’s impossible to search our scalps for tiny, bloodsucking creatures (think Tom Cruise in Interview with the Vampire, but tolerable).

So, theoretically, we could have a giant colony of lice on our heads, holding backyard barbecues after their kids’ little league baseball games, with the Dads drinking Blood Light (zing!) and all the Mommy lice gossiping about the slutty louse just south of my bald spot, who would sleep with anything with 4,000 legs if he’d look after her kids.

But we have no way of finding out, because our heads are impossible to search. I lost a giant branch off the front yard tree in The Boss’s hair, while searching for the toothpicks that were sucked into the vortex and are likely being used as teeter-totters by the despicable little aliens.

But, on a positive note, The Hurricane hasn’t been scratching her head lately, so maybe, once we shave our heads and have ourselves a good old-fashioned genocide, our house might be back to normal.

Note: I had a helluva time titling this post, y’know, trying to come up with something clever that tied in lice or louse. I landed on the Talking Heads song from the 80’s called ‘Burning Down the House’, and I only know that song because of my babysitter/cousin, who should have known better for listening to such shitty music because she was a good Glam Rockin’ chick back then (and even still too!). If you have a better title, pitch it to me in the comments section, because I know there’s something out there I’m missing, but I can’t concentrate while I’m digging this pen end into my scalp like a psycho.

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6 Responses to Burning down the louse

  1. Shan says:

    Can you get this all sorted out before I get home for Christmas please! Seriously though – thinking of you all over here and hope all is ok.

  2. 1sttimedad says:

    No way sis, I expect you to be pickin’ through my hair on Christmas morning, like a good family member would.

  3. Eric says:

    Great name for this blog entry! LOL!

  4. 1sttimedad says:

    Really? I wasn’t too sure of it because there was something that just kept telling me there was a better line out there. Maybe I peaked …

  5. brandy says:

    Lice is my biggest fear around our house. All the animals and toys that would just suck. A good way to get rid of some stuff before Christmas though. Hope everything is all good now.

  6. Jen says:

    Someone told me once that lice LOVE clean hair, and the best thing you can do, if you’re sending your kid into an environment were lice are present is to put some sort of styling product in — gel, hairspray, whatever. Apparently, lice are picky — who knew?????

    Now that I’ve read of the Bowmanville-to-Belleville outbreak, I’ll be sending both kids to school with a little dab of my $32-a-jar hair goo in their hair every day for the rest of all time. Thanks for the heads up (pun entirely intended.)

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